Heartbreak: A Valentine's Day Post
My alarm went off ages ago but I keep hitting snooze. Eyes closed, pretending it’s not morning, I imagine I’m in a doorway. I’m standing in the doorway and a huge, heavy steel door slams shut. Right in my face.
I bring my hand to my face and everything feels intact. No blood, nothing broken. But it hurts like a motherf*cker.
I stare at the slammed-shut door. Half my life is on the other side but I can’t see it or hear it or feel it anymore. I scream, bang on the door a few times. But it hurts my hand and my face is numb and what’s the point. The door is locked and I don’t have a key. That part of my life is gone. I should just walk away from the door but I keep standing there because my legs are paralyzed. I stand there and cry and there’s a breathless, splitting-open feeling inside my chest, like my heart and lungs are being torn out of my body and thrown on the ground and stomped on.
Every morning, and several times throughout the day, every day, the feeling is the same.
This is heartbreak.
heartbreak (n.)
also heart-break, “overwhelming grief or sorrow,” 1570s, from heart (n.) + break (n.). Expression break (someone’s) heart is from c. 1400. Related: Heartbreaking.
From the online etymology dictionary.
People have written about heartbreak for at least 600 years according to the definition above – most likely much longer. There’s nothing I can say that hasn’t been said before in a million books and movies and poems and songs.
But I’ve only recently realized what heartbreak actually is. This is crazy, considering I’m in my 40s and I’ve been through marriage and divorce and death and all kinds of sh*t that I thought was heartbreaking. I’ve thrown the word around quite a lot, thinking I knew what it meant.
Metaphorical heartbreak, the “overwhelming grief and sorrow” described above, is different from getting your heart broken. I’ve certainly felt overwhelming sorrow and grief before. But real, literal heartbreak – the active process of having one’s heart broken – is a different thing entirely.
I broke someone else’s heart once. I’ve always felt terrible about it. Now that it’s happened to me I feel hella worse.
I’m writing about this because it’s Valentine’s Day. I can’t remember caring much either way about Valentine’s Day before. But today I hate it bitterly and I’m pretty sure I always will from now on.
Again, this is nothing new. Valentine’s-bashing is totally cliché. Heartbroken people (as well as restaurant snobs, like the ones referred to in this article, and jaded people more generally) have been railing against Valentine’s Day for decades. I’m sure there are hundreds of other blog posts just like this one being published across the world as we speak.
But today I feel the need to officially add my voice to the chorus: F*ck you, Valentine’s Day.
You can f*ck right off, Valentine’s Day. On behalf of brokenhearted people everywhere, I slam my steel door in your face. That is all.
wasn’t expecting that…Hope you have a better day going forward today:-( Feel sad that your usual humorous and positive self is so distraught by a day that actually only exists to Americans…irony…its just another day
Oh, it exists in South Africa too. My inbox is full of South African Valentine’s Day promotions ????
You have a way …. that broken heart stays forever
Funnily enough chatting to a friend the other day about age. We were recalling what young love is and how good it felt and then that incredible heartbreak, where you sob like you have never sobbed before. We were actually quite sad that these are feelings we were never going to feel again. I think age and time makes you more resilient to these feelings. So on the bright side you more than likely won’t even think about this great big steel door next year.
Just take time today to reflect on all the great things in your life. xxx
Haha, I hope so. I like your implication that my love is still ‘young’ ????
Heartbreak sucks, and it takes as long as it takes, but as you already know it goes away eventually. Happy UN-valentines to you.
Thank you! Same to you.
Yeahhh, overrated, consumer holiday needed to give shops something to put up after they put away Christmas displays. Interestingly, I’ve been seeing a hellva lot of Christmas displays that haven’t been taken down all over Thailand. Everyone here is “that neighbor”. And now we have the plethora of balloons and flowers everywhere in front of the schools so that kids can run out and buy something for their friends. Actually, it’s interesting to see how American holidays take over this Buddhist country.
I like to refer to this particular day as VD :P
Well, dear, from one 40something to another, uncork your favorite wine, read, binge watch s.th, do whatever you feel like doing that is not terribly harmful and just soak it in. Throw yourself a pity party and relish in it. No point in pretending it’s not there, so I say, embrace it.
xxoo
We all place way to much value on these so call special days. Let celebrate Its great to be me day and reward ourselves with a chocolate flowers bubbly what ever takes our fancy on our day. Let stop giving our fucks to theses days because everyone says we should.
Amen, sister.
Hey Heather. Valentine’s Day is way overrated. My wife is in Bali celebrating a friend’s 30th wedding anniversary (yes, there are still a few strange folks out there whose marriage lasts that long). I read this excerpt this morning and found it pertinent.
Look inside and find where a person loves from. That’s the reality, not what they say.
Rumi
That is beautiful and true and very relevant. Thank you.
Great post as always Heather! Yes heartbreak is very very hard. Hang in there and again when life feels sad do what I do. I think of all the beautiful amazing things you have going. You may be single but you are filled with friendships and living in Joberg doing what you love! So keep the chin up!
Thanks Nicole. x
It IS overrated. Damn you, mass media, and chocolate makers, and romance novels, and Hallmark.
Okay. Maybe not chocolate-makers.
Hello Heather,pliz don’t stress about this Vday,it will soon be over and life goes on as usual from tomorrow. Cheer up friend, as i am writing this i am still at the office working.From here am going straight home to sleep, for me its just like any other day, u ain’t alone my friend.
Thank you :)
I hardly notice it. Just the latest/current commercial promotion thing, the Christmas stuff got replaced by red hearts, ads change to reflect, takealot and so on generate a few more emails than usual…a few facebook posts scrolling past… There’s no connection between it and my personal heartbreak stuff. …Which is not affected by any specific day. More than any other [special] days, this one is just a social construct…spread by everyone wanting to do like americans/europeans do, and by globalised commercialism /internet.
I always felt that way too. But somehow Valentine’s Day got to me this year.
oops! I hope that doesn’t happen to me! :) Not likely though, because I wouldn’t know it’s Valentine’s Day unless …[Fb or one of those emails.] …Regrets, though, that never stops.
I call it Single Awareness Day
Amen to that!
bloody men.
Yup.
Single Awareness Day; I’ll remember that next time.
It’s few days later now; hope the sun is shining again for you! xo
Thanks. It’s a little better, I think because I published this blog post.
Should have called me - I hosted world’s most unromantic super fun V dinner just because it was a Wednesday xx next time
Hahaha! That would have been awesome.
Your description with the door….its too perfect. I’m currently struggling with a break up and have a few posts I’ll be writing. But I just appreciate that someone else gets it. (sadly) To the point that my feelings were put into words.
Following!
I’m sorry to hear you’re also going through something - it really sucks. If it’s any consolation, I feel so much better now than I did when I wrote this post two months ago. I hope the same happens for you :)