I’ve been trying to publish this post for the past two days.
I painstakingly crank out a paragraph, stare at it, read it back a few times, doze off in my chair, scroll Facebook for 20 minutes, read the paragraph again, delete it in disgust. I’ve done this over and over.
In nearly 11 years of writing this blog, I’m not sure I’ve ever felt so creatively stymied.
I want to describe how I feel, but my feelings change by the minute. By the time I manage to put words to the feelings I don’t feel them anymore.
Here’s my new best shot: I currently feel a mix of frustration, dullness, self-loathing, and impending doom, tinged with gratitude, optimism, and an occasional jolt of joy.
[UPDATE: I just had a nice Zoom call with a friend/colleague and now feel better than I felt an hour ago when I wrote the paragraph above. I’m sure I’ll come down again soon so I’m going to leave it.]
Now more than ever, blogging is one of the only activities that makes me feel “good”. But I can’t think of anything to blog about except the pandemic, and I can’t think of anything to say about the pandemic that hasn’t been said many times over already.
Rather than repeat myself or dwell any further on my ever-changing repertoire of pandemic emotions, I will share one positive thing that happened to me this week:
I took a pretty picture of a building in Melville and it seemed to make a lot of people happy (if social media likes and comments are an indication of happiness), which made me feel happy too.
I think the photo resonates with people for two reasons: 1) It’s green — a color many of us have come to crave during these pandemic-lockdown times; 2) It was taken near a well-known Melville corner — 9th Street and Rustenberg Road — but from an angle that most people miss when walking or driving past. (I was standing in the driveway behind the Bamboo Shopping Centre.)
Many people commented that they pass this building all the time but had never seen it in exactly this way. Others reminisced about living in one of the flats, or about businesses their family members once ran in the building. Anyway, it was cool. I enjoyed the responses.
Following a suggestion from my therapist, I thought I’d turn this post into a support group of sorts. So, here goes: Have you experienced an ever-changing repertoire of pandemic emotions in recent weeks? If so, please describe. What has happened to make you feel happy recently?
Feel free to share in the comments below, or on Facebook or Twitter. Or post your own therapeutic green photo on Instagram or Twitter, explain why it makes you happy or sad or something else, and tag #2Summers2021SupportGroup in your caption. I’ll feature the best posts in my Instagram story.
Depending on how things go, maybe I’ll do a series of 2Summers 2021 Support Group posts featuring different colors that make me happy or sad or something else. Or maybe not. I’ll see how I feel.
Your post sums up my mood totally. Lethargy and low-impact but buzzing depression and angst. Of course these grey skies don’t help either. I love that ‘pandemic green’ building!
Thanks. I’m alternating between loving and despising the rain (of course).
Right there with you. I left Africa at the beginning of the pandemic, not suspecting how hard international movement would become, or that we would still be in pandemic uncertainty and dislocation a year later. Feeling demotivated and missing the rains.
Ahhhhhh, I’m sorry you’re stuck. Who could have guessed this is where we’d be now?
Hi Heather, I think you summed up how so many of us are feeling. Frustration in trying to work and plan future travel campaigns without dates. Pathetic attempts at working without being distracted by news of Trump, the vaccine, Covid numbers, latest rules and of course social media. Constantly fighting the urge to do nothing but lounge around scrolling mindlessly while the guilt of all I should be doing eats at my soul. Desperately seeking the energy and will power to get out of bed early and into some semblance of a routine. Hating this flukking wind that has been blowing relentlessly for weeks, making me cancel every good intention to go out and take some pics. In spite of all the above, I am not miserable or depressed, have many moments of joy and don’t actually hate lockdown. I just can’t seem to settle and get energetically productive. Also, I am trying to plan a trip to Namibia to see my kids and grandkids, it;s been a year which is just way too long. The end. Thanks for initiating a safe space to rant. Take care and hope your spirit is soaring soon. What we need is a good trip somewhere. 🙂
We are clearly speaking the same language. xxxx ????
That is a great shot! I don’t believe you can have too much green, either.
I think my pets are helping me through–they don’t care about the pandemic. They want their food, their exercise, and their play time. The dog expects his morning walk and sometimes that’s the only place I go.
I can’t leave the kid to fend fore himself, either. All of them give me purpose.
I hear you. I’m so glad to have a pet and there are even times when I’m envious of those who have kids to worry about (although more often I’m so relieved I don’t, haha).
I was glad and sad to see your comments: sad for all of us who feel the same way – glad that I’m not alone in those feelings. The one I relate to most I think is self-loathing – I have a lot of that and it makes wading through all the other ‘stuff’ much harder. Two things you didn’t mention are fear and anxiety…. Of course, I too am grateful: for so many things that I have – my children nearby, food, shelter, transport etc- and don’t have – Covid!! Right now, general retreat from and muffling of The World in all its craziness is what I’m doing most of. But I loved your photo and am HAPPY that we’ve got Kamala H. and Janet Y. and a whole lot of other clever, good and apparently sensible women running things ‘across the pond’. Stay well Heather and take good care of yourself.
Thanks so much for this, Ruth. Anxiety is definitely a feeling that I missed! I guess it just wasn’t top of mind in that moment but it often is, of course.
Also very happy for Kamala and Janet 🙂
This was brilliant Heather – you have totally summed up a lot of my frustrations I’ve had the last weeks. I felt so dang amazing when I came from holidays, my mind was clear and bright and had thoughts and ideas that I could actually hold onto before they seem to pop off to be replaced by some other restlessness.
Now I’m mainly feeling a bit restless and it is annoying the crap out of me! I was SO focused and in a Zone through most of the year, even when at some point I was actually just starting to get very very tired, I could just crack on and it totally stabilised me. I have felt so annoyed the last 2 weeks how much I get distracted and frustrated, as well as procrastination and lingering angers.
It’s probably my post-holiday come down combined with ‘back home’ being too filled with constant Doom
The Happy Thing. Monday I met with Team In Your Pocket in person and we shared our stories of what was when we were off and then stormed through so many ideas. I felt energised and refreshed with some new things and ways and thoughts. It was really awesome – a combo of those good people I work with and how much I like them, and also just being really intellectually stimulated by thinking about being part of the future as a broad picture, not just another snap of ‘this, this right now, this only and who knows what tomorrow, you must only gaze helplessly at this’.
Also on Tuesday my domestic worker showed me the picture of her now completed rondavel on the small holding she bought in Zimbabwe. It was completed during the holidays and now the preparing is going forward for planting seeds and investing in some livestock. It’s not at all clear how or when she can go there and retire (I’d prefer if she can remain here until the pandemic goes down, she is an SA citizen and over 60 so can get vaccinated when that happens)…
But I was SO Happy to see that in this year of the pandemic, it was the first year she made ground on the plans for her own life. She has always worked to pay for her kids to get through school, varsity and support other extended family. Now finally she is dedicating more of her finances to her own future. I was so happy to see the plans she talked about this time last year coming around 🙂
Wow Louise, what a great story about your domestic worker! Thanks for taking the time to post some happy thoughts/stories here. And I so hear you on the post-holiday malaise — I have the same thing and it’s weirdly surprising and hard to cope with.
I think I might have to look consciously very specifically for one Happy thing everyday and that is gonna roll me through! Look forward to seeing more happy things 🙂
I’m also trying to do that.
Hi Heather, I love that photo too, and I totally agree that there is no such thing as too much green 🙂 I also like that sign in the picture, the “emporium of curiosity” – any idea what that is or used to be? It sounds brilliant and like so much fun – and I guess this is my “operational mode” now, when I see something nice or interesting, I make it big and give it a whole new meaning and space – maybe when I do make it to Melville one beautiful day, I am going to go right there and something awesome is going to happen……of course, I know, it is not happening any time soon – and I guess, that is the biggest frustration for me now. Europe is going crazy, basically starting to really focus on preventing travel and making it really hard, talking about quarantine hotels – which just sounds like prison – and even if I can “understand” the logic behind this, still……it sucks the big one……. 🙁
Here in Ireland, to see green – that’s really easy (I am soooo glad), even in winter. But, exactly 7 years ago, the little group of myself, my husband, and our moms happened to be in Kruger Park and pictures are popping up at me on my phone – and that is the Happy Thing 🙂 – every shot totally awesome, plenty of green everywhere, everybody looking happy and relaxed……it is very easy to pick up that vibe, even after so long…….I love it.
I actually heard somewhere that the visual is very good for the brain – and I guess for the heart too – so, please, keep taking and posting the photos you take, they are always stunning.
And feel better soon!!!
Thanks Dagmar! The Emporium of Curiosity is a second-hand shop — it’s changed hands (and names) a few times over the years but it always looks quaint.
The lack of anything new or interesting happening in life (at least here in SF) makes it hard to be excited or enthusiastic about anything. Everything just feels really “blah”. I don’t talk to many friends very often because it’s just “what’re you doing – nothing,” “what’s up? – nothing.” So on and so forth. Last night and all day today have been good for me though. Music really affects me and there have been some great people DJ’ing on Twitch. Amazing what good music can do for my mood. Plus “seeing” friends in the chat reminds me of what it was like experiencing music with them in the Before Times.
“Blah” is a very good description of pretty much everything right now 🙂
Lovely pic Heather and I think you might like this article too about the colour blue https://theconversation.com/the-mystery-of-the-blue-flower-natures-rare-colour-owes-its-existence-to-bee-vision-153646
This is so interesting! Thanks.
Great pic Heather. Nature really lifts the spirits. I thought you would enjoy this article too, about blue https://theconversation.com/the-mystery-of-the-blue-flower-natures-rare-colour-owes-its-existence-to-bee-vision-153646
I’ve bookmarked this page for the very reasons you describe feeling: https://www.netdoctor.co.uk/healthy-living/wellbeing/a32388727/lockdown-fatigue/
But ‘good advice’ aside, I’m glad you’re feeling better and taking steps to create a community 🙂 My mantra these days: one day at a time, and I say it over and over again… <3
Great advice – I definitely need to work on a lot of the items on this list. I’m also very fond of the one day at a time mantra.
Hi Heather,
The one comfort is that you are not alone in terms of the kaleidoscope of emotions (had to google that spelling!). Also the fact that so many of your conflicting and conflicted feelings are literally universal means that we need to be much kinder to ourselves when it comes to self-loathing. I wrote a blog at the end of last year https://www.lizatlancaster.co.za/blog/loss-in-the-time-of-corona which echoes so much of what you are feeling. And like you … to motivate myself to blog is a mammoth task as I think “what’s the point?” And then when I have written something I feel a sense of achievement in the simple discipline and focus. So let’s all take bite size chunks, know that we are not unique in our CoronaCoaster and that the Pollyanna cliche of “this too will pass” will kick in at some stage. From one of my Pollyanna moments: https://www.lizatlancaster.co.za/blog/lockdown-silver-linings-some-positives
The Daily Maverick quote from today resonates: “Being soaked alone is cold. Being soaked with your best friend is an adventure.” (Emily Wing Smith). So if you go on any more adventures with Dizzylexa I’d love to join.
Take care
Liz
Thanks so much, Liz. I’ve added your posts to my reading list for later today 🙂 xxx
And HUGE yes to a support group!